3 Distress Signals from Your Teenager
3 Distress Signals from Your Teens
In light of the recent horrific shooting at Virginia Tech, many concerned parents are asking themselves deep questions. “How do I know if my kid is in trouble? What would I do if he was?” Apparently, the parents of the Virginia Tech shooter did realize he had problems, but were unable to foresee how serious those problems might be.
How can we, as responsible thinking parents, recognize serious problems in our children? There are several “distress signals,” but let’s look at three things that will help you assess your child’s mental state.
1. Depression
Depression is very common in teenagers. However, it is sometimes harder to recognize in teens than in adults. What are the symptoms that you think of when you hear that word? Probably sadness, easy tears, losing sleep or sleeping too much, losing or gaining weight, and generally shutting down.
But, here’s the problem, some of these things can also be fairly normal teenage behavior. Depression in teens can be any or all of these symptoms, plus irritability, withdrawal, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. How can you tell the difference? How do you know whether you should be concerned?
The first thing to consider is whether you are able to have a serious conversation with your child. Is there any openness in your relationship to discuss what might be happening with them? Are there problems at school, or with friends or a job? Or, are the issues deeper such as self-esteem, gender identity, a general anxiety or depression that they can’t explain? If talking about school or his job will help, you may be able to resolve his depression to some extent.
In some cases, your child will not even talk with you about what’s on his mind. If he won’t talk, or his depression is deep-seated, you may have to
insist that he (or she) see a trained professional. Use whatever leverage you someone who is trained to work with adolescents. If he’ll really talk openly still may have as his parent, to compel him to have several talk sessions with, just a few sessions and/or a few months of medication may be enough to get him back on track.
If some of these things don’t work, as a last resort, you might have to talk with your doctor or a mental health professional and have him admitted to a psychiatric rehab facility. This may seem like a drastic step, but it may protect him or others from harm that might develop from long-term depression and anxiety problems.
2. Changes in Behavior
The teenage years are notable for changes in behavior. Moodiness, irritability, happy, unhappy, optimistic, pessimistic, kind, bratty, altruistic, selfish…we could go on and on. The changes in hormones are a big factor in this seeming instability. Another fact of life is that the teen years are a period of reshaping the self-image and trying on different personas to see how they fit. They are going through a difficult time of adjustment figuring out who they are and what their place is in the world. It is also a time of breaking away from parents and seeking to establish what their own values really are.
The thing to watch out for is when the change becomes the overriding factor in your teenager’s life. If he has always been a serious, studious type of kid, generous and empathetic, but now he seems to be turning into the opposite on a full-time basis; this is a signal to notice. Teens fall into and out of behavior change every other day, or every other hour. But, if this other side, this other personality, seems to have taken over, you need to question why. Here again, the help of a trained professional can be vital in helping him through these years of transition.
According to several sources, the shooter from Virginia Tech was always an enigma to his family. If your child fits this kind of picture, fight with everything you have in you to get him serious help. Things to especially watch for are cruelty to animals, total lack of empathy or no remorse for anything they’ve done. There might also be a sense of being entitled to do things that are illegal or immoral. There are too many role models who seem determined to ignore DUI laws or seem to feel entitled to beat someone up or shoot them if they don’t get what they want. Warnings of these behaviors should be taken seriously and be dealt with drastically as soon as you recognize them.
3. Changes in Friends
In spite of what your teen may tell you, you DO have a right, and even a responsibility as a parent to monitor their friends.
However, this is an area where you need to tread carefully. If they’ve already make friends that you aren’t fond of, telling them to break those friendships can quickly drive your teens the other way. Here you need to apply as much finesse as you can. You could casually ask what they like about the friend – what is he like – what are his favorite things to do, etc. This may help your child to question himself about the friend and why he wants to be friends with the person. You can try including his friend in a family outing or for dinner and try to draw the person out a little. There are occasions where we, as parents, have been too quick to “judge a book by its cover.” You can also tell your teen you own opinion in a gentle way, still allowing them to feel it is their own option.
The best thing is to approach this idea early, by teaching your kids good values and giving them good role models to follow. It may be a sacrifice of your family time, effort, even money to keep them involved from early on up in wholesome activities of their own choice. If they express an interest in sports, music, scouting, youth group or other good activities, check it out and encourage them. Kids who are involved in good fun and competition won’t have time to get into trouble and make friends with teens who are trouble. As it did for me one time, it may even come to choices of where you will move. Consider the area and the kind of people who live there and the quality of the schools as carefully as you do the prices of the house and the taxes. Even though a house may be a bargain, if the neighbor-hood isn’t wholesome, you may be buying into trouble with your teens. Some years ago, it seemed the only affordable places were in an area where there was drug dealing and kids hanging out on the street. It was tough to hold out and not move my teens into that neighborhood. (We found a house later, near a college. It was too expensive, but we were able to rent a room to a college kid to help make up the difference.) You may have to be creative to nip these problems in the bud.
Your best bet with the subject of friends, is to be open and welcoming. Stock up on the snacks and sodas and be the place where your teens can bring their friends. Let them know you’ll try to be open-minded on the subject but you do need to know where your teens are and who they are hanging out with. We’ve all heard the horror stories of kids who got involved with the wrong crowd. Its part of our job as parents, to lead and guide our kids in this area as well as other things. Peers, at this stage in adolescence, can be very important. As much as possible, we need to keep them on the right track, not just with the externals of how they may dress, but with their values and goals. Hopefully we’ll be able to help them choose worthwhile friends with goals for the future, so that peer pressure will be as good an influence as possible.
If I could sum up three teen distress signals, they would be depression, behavior problems and friends. The thing that the majority of folks find most challenging about teen behavior is seeing what behaviors are problems.
These are just three of the distress signals.
There are others as well, that are important, but depression, a drastic change in behavior and choices in friends are the ones which can give you a clue that your teen is having trouble. They are the most obvious distress signals.
No one wants to have their child get into trouble or be responsible for the horrible tragedies we hear about in the news these days.
Dr. Karen Hackman Hastings
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