Hope for Overwhelmed Families

Hope for Overwhelmed Families

 

Do you know anyone with a child who is constantly challenging and frustrating? The child

may be non-compliant and have intense temper tantrums. Sometime the moods swing from

from one extreme to another or there is verbal or physical aggression.

 

These children may have been given many different descriptions – strong-willed, difficult,

contrary. They may have received mental health diagnoses and been prescribed various

medications.

 

But, the bottom line is; they may life miserable for everyone around them. They are very

unhappy children. And, the parents have tried “everything.” It is a very complex, frustrating

problem.

 

Dr. Ross Greene has written such an extraordinary book for parents of inflexible, easily-

frustrated, explosive children. Many families could be reassured and helped by the ideas

and strategies he has developed.

 

As a counselor for many years with children and adolescents, and having raised

four boys of my own, I see Dr. Greene’s book as an excellent source of help for

overwhelmed parents. My purpose in writing this article is to recommend the book

but also to outline some of his techniques. My hope is that this article will make a

start toward making family life better for both parents and children.

 

 

Dr. Greene tells a story about Jennifer who has a major blow-up over three frozen waffles.

Sounds pretty trivial doesn’t it? But, her family is pretty accustomed to Jennifer’s frequent

out-of-proportion outbursts, the upheaval and turmoil she causes in the family. Her siblings

are scared of her, she has no friends, and her parents are at the end of their rope. All the

mental health professionals have advised, all the medications they’ve tried, have made little

difference.

 

Other people, who might be looking on with disapproval, don’t have a clue what life is like for

this family. Humiliating for the parents when Jennifer “performs” in public; along with guilt,

confusion, anger, bitterness, frustration and hopelessness.

 

Children like Jennifer are different from other kids. They have a very low tolerance for

frustration and a lack of any flexibility. They cannot think clearly during times of frustration.

Dr. Greene calls them “inflexible-explosive.” Such children are often very bright and have

some great qualities and potential. There may be various reasons why they have such a

difficult temperament.

 

 

The first step in helping them is to understand some important things about why they adapt

so poorly.

            Flexibility and frustration tolerance are skills that children usually develop as they

grow out of the “terrible twos.” They normally increase their ability to express their feelings

in words; they are able to delay gratification, “shift gears” and think through solutions and

consequences. Parents help them in this process and typical children become increasingly

able to solve problems and control emotions. Everything is no longer simply black or white.

 

The neurobiology of some children predisposes them to these problems. They are not able to

accomplish the necessary developmental skills. It is really vital for parents and other workers

to realize that the child is not unwilling to adapt, but unable. The child doesn’t choose to be

unreasonable any more than a child chooses to have a reading disability.

 

So the failures to be flexible and make cause-and-effect connections are not planned,

purposeful or intentional. They aren’t trying to drive mom and dad crazy!

 

Programs designed to motivate or provide consequences for behavior, do not work for them.

These children may have a “melt-down” or fall apart over seemingly small things or without

obvious causes. They don’t understand their own behavior and are angry, frustrated and

unhappy children.

 

Dr. Greene likens the child’s response to “vapor lock.” A car with vapor lock will not start

until it cools down. Similarly, the child who becomes so frustrated experiences a kind of

brain-lock where he is unable to think rationally.

 

If parents and workers can understand the sequence involved in this melt-down, they may

be able to short-circuit the total melt-down phase. However, trying to punish or teach the

child something during the acute phase is pure futility. They are in an irrational state and

totally unable to think clearly.

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